Lost On You
by dean-winchester-is-our-king
Summary: An angel believes he has lost everything while the man he needs is very much alive. (S11E23 - Alpha and Omega) Dedicated to Crowley'sMooseSquirrel'sAngel, cause I love his or her fanfics and especially one shots from "one hour replaying of songs".


_**Okay let's pretend Sam was never captived and Castiel just left him on the bunker and zapped away to grieve Dean. (S11E23 - Alpha and Omega) This fanfic was "born" after multiple replays of "Lost on you" by LP. Dedicated to Crowley'sMooseSquirrel'sAngel, cause I love his or her fanfics and especially one shots from "one hour replaying of songs".**_

* * *

After Castiel left Sam on the bunker, he flied away, somewhere hidden, where no one could find him. The tears he was holding back for so long flooded on his cheeks, free now and hot. Cas curled to himself, barely feeling the sand of the beach he was as he sat down, wrapping his limps together and starting to cry. He had never imagined Dean, his Dean, would have a closure like this. Dean was a warrior. Castiel the least times he was imagining Dean's death, he was thinking of a beautiful death, probably protecting somebody else. Because that was Dean. Always ready to sacrifice himself for the others. Cas blinked a few tears away and took a deep breath. He recalled all the years he had passed with his human, all the argues, the fights, the tasks they had to face. He allowed himself to form Dean's face in his mind, he closed his eyes and saw Dean. Dean's green eyes, the most beautiful color he had ever seen. Dean's smile, his plumb lips, the way they were separating when he was grinning to cheeks. Cas had seen this smile on Dean's face several times, every time it was appearing was for him, for the angel and only. Dean's freckles, which were spread across his nose and cheeks. Castiel remembered all the times he had stood too close to Dean, trying to count them all. Every time he was counting beyond 100, Dean was blushing and walking away, mumbling something about "personal space".

He'd miss Dean. He'd miss his grumpy face in the morning, his scruffy voice, his eyes staring at the angel more that friends should stare at each other. Because Cas would be a liar if he denied his feelings for Dean, if he denied that what he felt was beyond friendship and familiarity. He was wanted in heaven, he was threatened to be killed by his own siblings, he had sacrificed everything, all he had, for these humans. For his family. For Sam and Dean.

For Dean.

* * *

 _"I'm hunted. I rebelled and I did it - all of it - for you."_

That phrase replayed on Cas' mind, he heard his own voice say it like that day at the hospital, when Bobby was hurt. It symbolized all the things he had lost. All the things he had fought for. All the things he had rebelled for. And all of it for a single human, Dean Winchester.

Castiel took in a deep breath, trying to control his sobs. He felt an ache right on the chest, to heart's place. It felt empty.

 _This is how you feel when you're broken_ , he thought. He would never believed when he had first walked down the Earth that he'd have to experience human feelings himself in the most cruel way. He thought about Sam, how he might feel. He felt like a total dumbass, a selfish bastard who only cared about himself. Sam was hurt. Of course he was, he had lost his own brother, the only family he had. The angel had promised to Dean to watch over his Sammy. He shook his head to clear his mind and whipped away the years. _Dean wouldn't want that_ , he thought. _He'd like for me to forget and go on._

Even the thought of Dean's name caused a strange pain to the angel's body and he instinctively wrapped his arms around himself, in an attempt to prevent himself from breaking into pieces. He stood up and took a deep breath, calming himself down. He closed his eyes and counted to 10. When he opened them he felt much better.

He was about to fly back to the younger Winchester when he heard a voice, a prayer that he was used to.

 _"Cas. Cas where are you buddy? Come back. I need you to come back."_

Cas' heart fluttered. What if…

He let himself to hope that might Dean was alive, that he somehow had survived from the bomb and he was back to them, back to him, praying for him to come back home. He let himself to believe that it was truly Dean's voice, that there might be a hope…

After a while Castiel sighed and felt like a fool, who let a memory of Dean's prayers to trick him like that. It sounded like the prayers of Dean's on the Purgatory, where his hunter was praying to him every single day. Of course his mind was trying to protect him from breaking down and was providing him of what he needed: Dean. Dean's voice, the feeling that Dean needed him.

He flied back to the bunker and looked around. The kitchen was empty so he walked around to find Sam. He heard people talking and his heart shuddered. _It's probably the television_ , he thought and walked over the living room, where the voices were heard. When he stepped in, he nearly had a heart attack and a stroke at the same time. If he wasn't an angel, he'd be dead in a blink of an eye.

Next to a very happy and overwhelmed Sam was a blonde woman, who Cas assumed was their mother - _But how she came back to life?_ \- and next to her, a dirty blonde, green eyed man who was crying and laughing at the same time. The man's eyes turned to the angel and the smile froze on his face, his whole body tensed as he eyed the angel. After a while the man walked over Castiel and opened his arms looking at the shocked eyes in front of him.

"Come on Cas, you seem like you saw a ghost" he whispered in a humourous tone and pulled him in a tight hug.

Castiel instinctively wrapped his arms around the other man, leaning on his warmth and letting the known scent of a very much alive Dean Winchester encircling him.

"D-Dean?" He mumbled pulling him closer to his body and noticed that now he was pulled even closer, Dean might craved that intimacy too. "How are you-Amara...God...you're alive!"

Dean chuckled lightly and sighed, pulling back.

"You won't do any test on me?" he asked raising an eyebrow ironically. "Sammy did all the tests he knew, for demons, angels, vampires blah blah blah."

Cas rolled his eyes, feeling his guts warming up and bubbling with joy. "I'm sure it's you, Dean" he whispered breathlessly, his tired and red aching eyes never leaving Dean's. "I can feel your soul, it's always so bright and so beautiful and so…" He fell into Dean's arms again, earning a genuine laugh from the hunter. He hummed happily at the vibrations of Dean's chest while he was laughing. He heard his heart and sighed in relief. It was beating rhythmically, proving that Dean was alive.

The hunter noticed that the angel was crying and raised his chin to examine his face. "You were crying, weren't you?" He whispered sadly. "Dammit Cas…" He groaned and looked at his little family, before his green eyes return on Cas' face. "I was counting on you to not break before Sam would, but I guess I lost that bet. I caused you more pain than I ever thought I could." He grabbed the angel's hand and dragged him out of the living room where Sammy was holding Mary in his arms, not believing his mother was in flesh and blood in front him.

When they reached Dean's room, Dean made Cas sit on the bed and sat across him, looking at him. "I thought you'd understand" he whispered, sighing. "You'd understand the vanity of human life. I hoped you'd forgive me about this. But as I can see you clearly didn't.." Dean shrugged lightly, smiling bitterly. Castiel's eyes were fixed on his lap, trying to avoid Dean's gaze. "I don't believe in the vanity of _your_ life, Dean" he whispered.

Dean frowned, raising the angel's chin. "And why's that?"

Castiel's eyes were about to water again. "I can't Dean" he whispered, shaking his head. "I've lost you so many times and I refuge myself to let you walk away because of such a stupid thing…"

Dean's frown got deeper and held Cas' palms to his own bigger ones.

"I'd never walk away, Cas" he sentences. "Now I'd like to know what this great thing is that you refuge to talk so much about"

Cas swallowed hard and nodded. "O-Okay then." he coughed and looked away from Dean's gaze.

"I don't know how, I don't know why but.. Everytime we lose you… Everytime _I_ lose you… I feel broken, lost, empty. Like I've lost everything I was fighting for, I feel like I'm torn into million pieces and no one can picks them up all together again. You were dead for less that a 24/7 and I nearly broke down Dean. I felt something like…Burning my insides, like fire was burning me from inside out and a physical pain I've never experienced before. And then you came…"

He looked up at him and grinned, his face brightening immediately. "...and I feel like every piece of me is in place, I feel like I've a purpose to fight for, I feel like…" He sighed and blushed. "I really can't explain what's happening to me. I never had to deal with that kind of feelings until I met you. And I wanted to talk to you in the car before but I couldn't cause you were mumbling and justifying for me! When I see you Dean.. I feel like the sun is in me, I feel warmth flooding from every cell of my body. And when you leave I'm nervous all the time and concerned if you're okay or hurt and if you don't pray to me I'm afraid of the worse 'cause you always pray and I want to touch you all the time but I'm afraid you'll push me away because of that "personal space" issue you have and I don't want you to push me away…"

While the angel was mumbling pointlessly, Dean's mind was working fast. All this time the angel was in love with him and he hadn't the balls to tell him he felt the same! They had lost such a long time and Dean was internally cursing himself for being such a dumbass. He quickly decided to pull the angel out of his mumbling trance and kissed him softly on the lips. Their mouths were connected for a few seconds before Cas pulls back, blushed crimson, his ears and cheeks heated up. He looked at Dean, eyes widened.

"What-What was that?" he whispered, his mouth covered by his palm.

"That's my way to say that I love you too, angel" Dean whispered smiling lightly, his eyes never leaving Castiel's. The truth was that he wanted to do this for eons. He had spent years and years of staring at Cas and look away when he was returning the gaze, to yell at him when he was coming really close, never had the courage to take the change. In truth, he wanted to jump on the angel, to touch him, to kiss him, to pin him down on his bed and never let him go…

"Wait" Cas frowned and looked at Dean, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. "You said that...you love me, is that it?"

Dean nodded, grinning. "Yes, Cas. Let's make up for lost time, what do you say?"

Cas nodded happily, smiling at Dean. "I couldn't agree more with you, Dean.. So.." He hummed thoughtfully. "You're going to kiss me for seven years?" he tilted his head to one side, his big blue innocent eyes concentrated on Dean.

This comment caused a burst of laughter out of Dean.

"You're unbelievable" he whispered and leaned closer, connecting their lips together once more.


End file.
